and now i know

August 1, 2008

Why she decided we couldn’t be together. The main reason behind it. I’m depressed. Always have been. While I was happy, so very happy, I was still deep down depressed. I also need to leave the Ex behind as completely as possible. She gets to me way too much, way too easily.

In short, I’m not well. And she doesn’t want to get sucked into that. I can’t say I blame her. Even if I get better, there are no promises or guarantees. Chances are, by the time that happens it wouldbe too late anyways. But at least now I know. She’s not the first to bring that up in a relationship capacity, and certainly not as just a friend giving insight and advice.

I’d been wondering for the last week if talking to her was worse than not talking to her. I questioned meeting for coffee, even though I would love that. I don’t know. It would be worse to just walk on and leave her behind completely as a friend. I do love her and miss her. But I have a great incentive to get well. No matter the lack of likelihood, I have a hope that when I can finally get undepressed there will be someone there. It may not be Love, but it will be someone and she will be just as amazing, awesome, and loved by me. Of course, I want to be better tomorrow and I want it to be Love, but I know it’s not that simple or easy.

But now I know. The next part is doing something about it. How does one cut off themselves emotionally from the mother of their child? She can know bits and pieces of my personal life, but cannot be invested or have any say. She cannot get me down with her words or actions. I fucked up on fourth of July by not carrying on with the plans. I know for sure what i suspected then.

It’s not that I was terrible to Love. Quite the opposite. But she may not be the one I’m supposed to be with romantically, I think she is good to have in my life as a friend. At least not the way I am now.

I always talk about hope and how I need it to keep myself going. I’m trying to keep going without it, but one can’t help but to hope. Either way, I’m glad she finally told me that and look forward to meeting for coffee really soon.


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