it just won’t stop

January 17, 2008

How do people function knowing death awaits? Dear god, I’ve had three very minor panic attacks already today. I close my eyes and the dark terrifies me. I was just talking to someone last night and saying how I was bad for a while but I got better. It just keeps creeping back in on me. Is it literally about distractions? Just to keep from thinking about it? There’s not really anyone I can talk to about this, either. I was fucking fine. Fucking hell. I just want to find one mood, one state of mind, and just stay there. This back and forth is painful.

I need to smoke.



  1. and you still haven’t seen an M.D.? I haven’t had a panic attack in about 8 years… please just go.

  2. I didn’t go cause I got better. Bad time to try and quit smoking, too. Maybe I should just come live in your shed. All I need is a space heater and internet connection.

  3. heh. As fun as that would be… you should still go to the doc, even if you feel better! You know this. If you go to the doctor, I’ll move the lawn mower out of the shed for you.

  4. Ex said the same, and I say the same I did. I honestly can’t afford it at the moment. Ridiculous, yes, but true.

    I think I’ll be okay for a spell.

  5. Ridiculous, the lack of healthcare in the US. I’ve had panic attacks recently as well – and you know I’ve suffered depression (still dealing with it). They passed, but I know how you feel. I’ve talked to a few people about this – seems like lots of people our age experience something similar.
    Hope you can make it to the doctor soon, though.

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