panicking again

December 10, 2007

So much lately I’ve been having these damn panic attacks. I was fine most of last week, until Saturday.

I was at my son’s bowling party when it struck first. The ex knew something was up. I didn’t want to ruin the event. I was there for my son, and nothing comes before that. She asked what was wrong, and I couldn’t tell her it was her fiance. And her. And them. Together.

Yeah, I know. It’s been almost three years, so why the fuck am I having panic attacks over this? If I knew that answer maybe I could solve the issue. Partly it was also new people, their/his friends that I don’t know and don’t really care to know. I am a bit miffed I wasn’t even introduced, but that’s fine given the former statement. I suppose the effort is appreciated, though.

So I’m there, and she’s there, and he’s there, and suddenly my chest feels light. It’s almost like my heart skipping a beat or five, and I get heavy all over, except brain goes light. And then the terror. Sheer unadulterated terror. Every cell in my body screaming ‘Run away! Run away now!’ That’s a panic attack for me. The NEED to run away from the situation. I walked away to the restroom, spending a moment just breathing before coming back. Still uneasy I stood at the back, away from everyone. I didn’t feel wanted or like I belonged. Then my son came up to me, took my hand and asked me to help. It all melted away, like so much buter tossed in a pan on high heat. Near instant. And then we played, and he sat with me and the fear and need to run away was forgotten.

Until later at The Hill. But that was a different, more mild, version. That was just the need to get away, feeling unwelcome, and that I did not fit in at all. I fought it until I no longer could. Watching everyone having fun while I sat there doing the opposite was too much. My orb of depression seemed to be turned on again, so I left before I ruined the evening for my acquaintances in attendance.

But is it depression? Social anxiety disorder? Just the normal me? What is wrong with me? Maybe nothing. All I know is, when I’m with my son I’m okay. When I was with my ex in uncomfortable situations, I was okay in the end. How can I be that way without them present?


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