comfort, support, and be stupid

November 26, 2007

I’m known for my honesty. Brutal honesty. The kind of honesty nobody really wants, certainly don’t ask for, and usually need to hear. Whether they think so or not. So if you ask if the jeans make your ass look big I will say ‘No. It’s the fat.’ Sometimes I should be thanked, because honestly it’s a difficult job, but someone has to do it. And perhaps I have a sadistic joy in it. Just a little.

Not with everyone, though. I wasn’t always like that with the ex, when serious matters were involved, but I can’t be that way with LA either. Aye, another one of those posts. She called me last night, highly upset and close to tears, because of something someone she’d been dating did/didn’t do. Truth be told, I didn’t want to hear about it. I never do. But I tarry on and try to just be a friend.

Now, she basically said ‘Am I being unfair and a crazy bitch?’ The answer is yes, or should be. Because the matter of which she was upset really isn’t a major issue. But I caudled her. I always do. Perhaps it’s because I’m hoping that if I stay nice, helpful, and caring she will eventually have a revelation and one day there will be a knock on my door or call to my phone. It will be LA, and she will tell me she loves me. Has always loved me. And that I complete her. No other man will do. And we will kiss, and the credits will roll, and I will have my happy ending.

That’s where the stupid comes in. That will never happen with anybody. Even armed with the reality of things, I can’t bring myself to say ‘Yes. You’re crazy a little, and no this doesn’t matter, so get over it. You’re honestly being nitpicky and bitchy, and you will never find anybody being that way.’ Then I wonder why I want someone like that. Then I don’t care, only need to hear her voice. Hear her thank you for always being there. Hang up the phone hoping the next call will be from Louisville International Airport and she needs me to pick her up.

Charming But Single just wrote about Enchanted, and the myth it gives children of happy endings and white knights. Even as adults, knowing it to be such, we buy into it when the wrapper changes from Fairy Tale to romantic Comedy. Anymore it seems there is no such thing as a  happy ending, only a mediocre lonely existance. It’s so hard to be alone, when you only feel worthy when someone else thinks you are.


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