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only retarded thieves work at kroger

August 21, 2007

Now, the ex may think different, and in some cases be right, of me saying that. Socially, I can be pretty stupid as we can all tell. But intelectually (while I’m not Einstein) I’m definately not retarded. I can only assume Kroger seems to disagree, because their training points to every indication that everyone they hire is mentally retarded. I will be disappointed and angry if, at the end of tomorrow, they don’t throw me a party with a banner reading ‘U am being smrt’.

I do have several other issues with the training, I will admit. It’s ‘Web Based Learning’, which is their way of saying ‘It’s cheaper to show you a crappy Flash video than pay someone to tell you this shit. Retard.’ Really, all industrial training videos are made to be simple and masked under a thin veil of funny that’s actually not funny at all, except in it’s own poorness. Like a really bad horror movie, it’s so unfunny it actually becomes funny.

My first issue is quality. I went to school for graphic design. I learned how to take the shit someone gives and make it pretty. In Flash, among other programs. This training day offended, nay, I say ASSAULTED every little piece of my brain that does this. In near comatose rage I wanted to scream “WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS? DID YOU SPEND MORE THAN THREE DOLLARS? I’VE CRAPPED BETTER DESIGNS THAN THIS!!’ But it was so bad all I could do was laugh, because in the middle of the nastiness I also found motherfucking spelling errors. Disclaimer: Yes, I often publish with spelling errors but I’m not getting paid to do this. Some idiot designer somewhere (making more money than me I add) doesn’t know the difference between ‘they’re’ and ‘their’. I wanted to grab the monitor, smash my head through the screen, and run around screaming ‘I WORK AT KROGER! LOOK AT ME, I’M AN IDIOT!’ But I need the extra income, so I contained both my laughter and offended sensibilities.

Before you think it, yes I understand that Kroger could probably fire me for this blog post. But they’d look and say “Who the fuck is Wailin? Does a Wailin work for us?”

They also know I’m going to steal. No, really. Nostradamus’ predictions told them this, because their video on ‘Shrink’ tells me they suspect me, but are trying to keep me from doing so. I recall one portion of the video that asks me “Who’s responsible when you steal something from the store?”, pointing again to the fact  they also know I’m too stupid to understand that stealing is wrong, though they told me a dozen times in the thing before this point. They then show four employees who tell me what they think, which includes ‘A customer made me do it’, ‘My brother made me do it’, ‘I’m responsible’, and ‘Nobody’. Then a menu pops up and Bob (that’s the host of the program, and apparently he’s got a hand shoved up his ass because he looks constipated and puppetesque, though his mouth barely moves when he speaks so he could be the ventriloquist) asks me again ‘Who do you think is responsible when you steal?’. Gee, I don’t fucking know. I am a retarded criminal after all. When you do select a wrong answer, which I did for shits and giggles, it sounds a horrendous buzzer. When you choose correctly Bob cheers for you and gives the thumbs up signal. It scared me the first time. I also didn’t mention that he rhymes for some odd reason, ‘Good for you, it’s number 2!’. Number 2 is a big steaming pile of crap for a reason, and so was this video. There are several of these questions throughout the program (of which this was only one program) and to make me feel like even more deficient they ask them all again at the motherfucking end.

So what have we learned so far? Kroger hired me knowing full well I’m a retarded thief. If only that were true my life’d be quite a bit simpler, wouldn’t it?

Now, I can talk about how boring these things are, and how poorly constructed, but at the end of the day there were some with information I could actually need. Working in the deli, I should know about food temperatures and the dangers of foodborne illnesses. But they present the information so blandly I can barely remember any of it. The narrator for this section was not only a poor actor (given this is not for entertainment, but you could at least try and make this dull information interesting) but the audio quality was shit. I read fast, but I couldn’t skip the fucking audio either, so I had no choice but to listen to this person go on and on.

Some of the questions following the presentation (particularly the sexual harrasment one) were very ambiguously worded, leading me to wrong answers. Do I care so much? No, but it seemed to reenforce that they wanted me to feel retarded. I know this is the way of corporate America and because of hiring a wide range of people (some who actually are retarded) they have to make it easy for the lowest common denominator, but damn it’s annoying. Just hand me a paper and let me read it. I really don’t mind, and it won’t be going over my head anytime soon. Most of the shit you’re telling me is common motherfucking SENSE!

So when you come into my store and walk over to the deli for some of our deeelicious tater salad, don’t treat me like the retarded thief I must obviously be (I can only assume since my employer thinks I’m a knuckledragger you must think so, as well). I know all about temperature control, and I can assure you the next time you come in I will have some festering taters with your name on them, cultivated especially for you, because I have nothing better to do with my time but try to create such things so my brain doesn’t implode from the shittiness that is my parttime job at Kroger.

If I sound angry, I’m not. I’m actually happy, because shit like this gives me something somewhat entertaining to talk about. Much like Dennis Leary and Lewis Black, I like being angry.

Edit: I also think this post holds the record for my longest ever.

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