the struggle continues

July 14, 2007

So basically, I’m not over LA. Big shock, right? Those lyrics there say a lot about how I felt about the relationship. Not at the time of course, but hindsight is 20/20. I do wish I could forget and hate her for adding that much drama and difficulty to my life. For making me feel good, but it being empty in the end. For so much crap.

I wrote her an email today, though I doubt she’ll ever open it, much less respond to it.


Doubt you’ll respond even you get this, which I don’t think you will. Just wanted to say hey.

I’m still crazy about you, you know? I check all the time on the [old guild] site, hoping you may have messaged me.

Enough time’s gone by that I can say what I probably should have said then. Grow up. Sole didn’t even keep playing the game after the trial. She was there and gone in 10 days. She didn’t even use that name, so if you did hear her you’d not have known.

I’m sure you already decided [white trash asshole] was better by that point anyways, but that doesn’t change the fact that you treated me like crap because I wanted to have another friend to play with. How long would it have been until [WTA] started playing LOTRO?

You always wanted your wishes respected but didn’t allow me to have any at all. All I really wanted was to be with you, anyways. I see it was a mistake. You have a lot that I want, but until you grow the fuck up and get the fuck over your man issues I don’t think you’ll be happy. I really want you to be.

So respond or not, it doesn’t matter because I’ll keep reading old mail, looking at photos from Mexico, and missing you. The whole time feeling like an idiot.

Ever yours,


I think I’m just saying what I need to say. The song is showing that too, and as emo as it is I need it. Dan will be singing, not me, so count yourselves lucky if I ever post it. He thinks I could have a badass raspy singing voice, but only time will tell. I hope so, though I’ll never be as badass as Tom Waits.

The internet’s been sketchy today. I did perform a good deed helping out my neighbor, whose car had two flat tires. He seems like an alright guy, and is one of very few people I’ve allowed inside my apartment. Then again, he did pay for lunch.

Been talking to this chick for a couple weeks online now. She would be booty call material, but unlikely anything more. Still, the conversation is usually entertaining enough to keep me interested in chatting.

As I write this my son is in the tub, singing some song he’s making up. Cute as can be, but he needs to wash his face still. I can’t do it as easy anymore, but ever since he was a baby when it was time to get out I’d hook under his armpits, lift, and shake the excess water off. As he got older, he thought it quite hilarious, and I continued to do so. He’s pretty much too big for that now. Also doesn’t really need me to help. I still keep an eye on him from my seat, but he would rather I wasn’t helping him at this point. Makes me a little misty eyed.

I do wonder if my memory is happier than the reality of it was, in all things. I’ve always loved my son, but don’t think I really appreciated all those times. The other day he was over and I lay on the couch, so he climbed up and lay on top of my chest. We have a photo of the same thing from when he was around one year old, only we were both asleep. The ex showed up and was amazed he was laying still for me, but it’s something he’s always done.

I miss so many things, but I think I really miss the idea of them more. Did I love my ex, or am I just in love with the idea of loving her? Did LA really hurt me that much, or is that just how I think I should feel so I feel it? Where’s my wallet? Did I ever return that library book?ย  What if this is all a dream? Am I being too silly now? Sorry, I like to lighten things up by jesting. Everybody hates that about me.

Such is life.



  1. You loved me. And you were in love with being in love.

    L.A. is a screwed up mess. Move on. You know the old saying “there are plenty of fish in the sea”, well she was a nasty piranha and you know it.

    You are much better off without her. Just be thankful for the lessons it taught you, both good and bad.

  2. Yeah, I am and I know. Doesn’t make it any easier, though. And I think I’m using the wrong bait, because when I do get nibbled it’s not by my target fish.

    And i should have said love, not loved, you, For what it’s worth.

    I always appreciate the comments though. We comunicate better through IMs and email, I think. lol

  3. Yes, we actually do communicate better this way for some reason. I think it’s because you have no choice but to ‘hear me out’ instead of jumping to your own defenses before listening to what I have to say.

    Plus, I am so brilliant! ๐Ÿ˜‰

  4. That’s arguable, but you do have a brilliant rack. RAWR! ๐Ÿ˜›

    Now, find me someone just like you who’s single, or become single yourself. k thx bai!

  5. I do have a great rack, don’t I? HA! You know I’m kidding. And, they are real…so there ya go!

    I can promise you that there is nobody else in this world like me, besides me. Be thankful for that! You remember the ups and downs…lots of downs. You deserve much better than that!

  6. The thing is, I didn’t mind the downs so much. Perhaps, that was the problem. I do sometimes wonder if I should have left you long before. I am speaking to a friend in a similar situation I was in.

    She is basically not very happy because the boy’s depressed and not snapping out of it. She does wonder what it’s like to date other people (as her experience is limited as well) and is probably experiencing anxiety over an engagement as well. She is 21, so it’s to be expected.

    She is struggling to stay, but doesn’t want to leave either. I can relate to that. Times get tough, but I always felt that you just had to stick it out and keep things together until they got better.

    I’m beyond being the strong one now, I think. If it ever happened like that again I’d probably be out the door in a heartbeat. But that also makes me wonder why I was there in the first place, ya?

    We can sit and dissect our relationship all we want, but in the end the truth is that someone wasn’t happy and since we both deserve that it wasn’t right to stay together. End of story. You can’t go back and change it, so why bother with analysis?

    What I should have done was snapped out of whatever it was that was causing issues. You say “It’s all me” but you’re lying because the truth hurts. It was actually all me. That’s why I can’t hate you ever.

    And I’m feeling particularly longwinded today, apparently.

  7. Whooo…I’m exhausted! ๐Ÿ™‚

    The funny thing about this 21 yr. old girl (which isn’t at all funny) is that I felt the exact same way. As it turns out, so did you. Wanting to be free, explore the world alone, etc…all the while terrified of being all alone or feeling regretful. Be careful with your advice because it will affect her life greatly.

  8. Mostly my advice is: Are you happy? Why aren’t you happy? Have you talked to him? Want to just come live with me instead?

    I don’t give advice, I ask the questions she seems to not want to ask herself.

  9. I am cracking up! Did you actually say “want to just come live with me instead”? HA HA HA! You are such a goofball!

    I agree that you seriously need to get laid, but get someone your age or older. The younger crowd (24 and younger) will not take you in life where you need to be at the ripe old age of 27.

    I know you could care less, even more than less actually, but my fiance will be 30 in two weeks! Just thought I would say that since we are talking about age. Whatev. Just shut it, ok?

    Have you read Charming’s blog lately? The last two, although disappointing to me because she really seemed a little rude and selfish, could be constructive for men…if they take the information the right way. She came across as a little ‘high maintenance’ in my humble opinion, but I have a feeling she did not intend on coming across that way. Or she’s fed up with jerks and intended for it to sound exactly as it was written. Anyway, guys could benefit from her last two postings.

  10. Apparently, you don’t read comments to know that yes I have read over at CBS. Duh! I don’t think she’s being rude or high maintenance, just saying “This is what I look for. If you don’t have it, chances are very slim.” Nothing wrong with that to me.

    Age doesn’t so much matter to me, if it’s the right person. As I said the chick I’m talking to now is much younger and if she expects more than sex from me she will be disappointed. As I also mentioned, I can’t seem to find women my age. I need to a find myself a cougar, I think. RAWR!

  11. Dogs and Cougars…hmmm. Just kidding. Or am I? Hmmm…(again).

    Remember when sex was a very special and delicate thing to you? I don’t know what happened to your opinions on that, but please be careful and don’t throw so much caution to the wind. You will regret that, and the woman you marry will not respect your “sex experienced past”. You don’t need the practice…I can vouch for ya!

    “Son” and I are going to use up my Starbucks giftcard. Our usual; a Tall Chocolate Milk and a Venti Triple Shot Caramel Machiatto. “Son” just loves the extra shot of espresso. Crazy 4 year old! HA! Kidding! I crack myself up sometimes!!! ๐Ÿ˜‰

  12. Do you even know what a Cougar is?

    My attitude about sex has been forced to change, lest I allow major damage to myself. I have only had sex with two women I didn’t love. Perhaps it seems like the number is higher because I do talk about it a lot. And I know I’m good, so it’s not about that. I just like and want sex. Is that so wrong? I’m not out in bars picking up women every other night, never sleeping with the same woman twice.

    Then again, it’s also easy to have that high idea about sex with your situation being the opposite of mine.

  13. OK, first…I was calling you a Dog looking for a Cougar. They don’t mate well. Again, it was a joke. Somewhat.

    Second, I know you aren’t in bars looking for women. You are online looking for girls. I mean, seriously. Come on.

    Third, don’t get snooty with me. (Man Whore Wanna-be)

    Finally, shut up. That’s what!

  14. Oh…and finally finally…you’re attitude about sex has been forced to change? What the hell is that all about? You were a monkey spanking pro. Has something happened to righty? Are you suffering from carpel tunnel (or however it’s spelled)? Has a doctor said you should not attend to these matters by yourself? Give me a breaky-break!

  15. Just checking if you knew what cougar meant.

    I don’t look for them, they come to me, oddly enough.

    There’s a big difference between doing it yourself and having a helping hand. No comparison, really.

    I wasn’t saying that’s what you think I’m doing, just that at least I’m not doing that.

  16. Make your son proud.

  17. I doubt this has anything to do with that, honestly. Besides, I’m obviously not screwing anyone at the moment. More of a “What if…” than anything else.

  18. Same time today? I missed your call. I was indisposed. He is dying to see you!

  19. Sounds good. Wear something sexy. ๐Ÿ˜‰

  20. Yeah…don’t count on it! I haven’t slept since before I woke up yesterday morning.

  21. I don’t anyways. Even though we both know you like me checking you out. ๐Ÿ˜›

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