old habits die hard

June 1, 2007

I’m slipping backwards, I think. The high from the shift change is wearing off, and I don’t want to go back.

This morning I woke up and within half an hour I was depressed. It didn’t even take that long, honestly. I was thinking of LA. Honestly, something I haven’t done too much of lately. The thoughts come and go, of course, but they usually don’t stick long. Right now I’m thinking of her, and have been since early on.

I’ve been doubting myself all morning, thinking about my mistakes. Wondering if I can ever make a good decision. It doesn’t seem so of late. Not that I’m making bad decisions, they’re just not wholly good ones. They feel right, but bite me in the ass later.

I’m feeling lonely.

I’m regressing back to an old me, and I don’t want to be that person. It’s bad enough I’m not the person I thought I would (and others seem to think I can) be. I take two steps forward and one step back.

Then again, I haven’t had coffee yet. Maybe that would help.


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