friday night

May 21, 2007

This weekend I went out drinking with my mom and aunt, my aun’ts ex husband, and a chick marrying my cousin who is 8 months pregnant.

I agreed to go out of desperation, but that doesn’t mean I had no qualms about it. I can’t stand most of my family. They represent a part of my life I’m trying to break free of. Obesity, lack of hygiene, and trailer lifestyles aside, I still don’t like them. That said, I did find I had a decent time of things.

I pulled into my aunt’s driveway (front porch littered with homemade wood items like birdhouses, and the back dominatied by an overgrown weed garden and an above ground pool) and remembered past visits on holidays, both as a child and as an adult. As a child I couldn’t just leave when I wanted, so later visits were always cut short. The interior was a smorgasboard of homemade picture frames, knick knacks, and I’m pretty sure some small sign noone would ever see to support the troops and hate Iraqis. My aunt is a cool cat, though. She’s always been my favorite aunt, because she’s the black sheep like me. That said, she is crude (which I can’t say I’m not) in ways I am disgusted by such as picking thongs out of her 48 year old ass, and asking me how her cleavage is looking.

We load up in her van, a relief since between LA’s call and other factors I was planning on getting completely smashed, and we’re off to pick up my new cousin in law(?) who is 8 months pregnant. She’s a cool chick if there ever was one, and turns out she used to be a thing with my old roommate (whose face was hilarious upon me telling him she’s pregnant and marrying my cousin). Following her we picked up Buster, my aunt’s latest husband (he was her fifith). He’s 60 but a great guy and funny in that way that only older people can be because they come from a completely different time.

We pull up to a tiny wanna be strip mall, where a sign says Joker’s. A seedy place that was dark, dank, and smelled of beer and broken spirits. A beer pitcher ordered we went fo pool tables next, but my mom asked me to get her a drink. Now, I can understand some chick just turning 21 might be a bit embarassed about asking for it, but at 51 my mom should be able to order her own drinks. But no, instead she asks me to “Get her a screaming orgasm”. I avoided the obvious incest jokes, opting instead for joking with the bartender, an older chick as well (on reflection I think for the first couple of hours I was the youngest person there. Possibly the whole night, but doubtful after some rowdy drunks showed up later). The moral to the story is, old women have no idea what a screaming orgasm is, and we can only assume our fathers were lousy in bed but our mothers were too embarassed to say ‘orgasm’ with a straight face.

Most of the night was spent playing pool and drinking beer. That was the most beer I’ve ever drank and the drunkest I’ve been in front of my mom. I can happily say I was not weepy that night, but cheerful and outgoing. It’s always a toss up and with the day I had I was surprised. I even tried fried okra for the first time.

The jokes were bad, as was the dancing, and I can honestly say I did have fun. Astrid is the chick marrying my cousin and closer to my age. Also just a cool chick all around. We shot some pool and just talked about my insane family and my old roommate. We all went to college together, but I don’t remember her at all. Apparently she remembers me being fatter, which I was half happy to hear.

The problems came later, when my aunt was approached by some guy (whose pickup line was apparently “I wanna fuck you”) who joined our table. Did I mention her ex husband was with us? Oh I did? Then you can see where this ends up going. Buster cut in on a few dances, drank the guy’s beer, and stole his lighter. A drunk can only take so much, so the guy eventually puffed up his chest and they butted heads. I almost had the barroom brawl I always talk about wanting (mostly I just want to run someone down the bar like in old cowboy movies). A bouncer helped avoid it, and my aunt had the good sense to call it a night.

Back to her place, back to home, and off to bed. I slept well and late. Had a hangover but it was worth it. I know life can surprise you sometimes, but I was utterly shocked I had a good time. Lesson of the day: Sometimes, when you think you’ve seen it all, life can surprise the hell out of you.


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