la callin’

May 10, 2007

LA called me tonight. Upset again, but I don’t mind. I’m happy to be of service no matter what the problem, because I am smitten and have been for a long time. Everytime she calls it renews itself, too. A tragic spiral, but one I might actually revel in.

We talked about a lot of things, and I think I came as close to an apology as I can reasonably expect. An admission that she wasn’t easy on me. She was maybe more sensitive to emotions than she should have been. That by the time she truly feels loved it may be too late. I will take it as an apology, because I think that’s what she was doing. Wrong or not, I don’t care.

The hard part is trying not to make myself believe again that there’s a chance. There very well might be, but I can’t let myself hope again. It’s hard to do when I hurt because she hurts, laugh when she laughs, and just love her.

I often wonder what I look like to outsiders. What my ex really thinks about it all. If anyone can see that I’m not just saying ‘love’ carelessly. I’ve known where I went wrong for a long time now, and I really think she knows where she went wrong. I have fixed my issues, hopefully she can fix hers. I hope she does because she’s an amazing woman and deserves happiness and love, and just like my ex I truly hope she finds it. Also just like the ex, I hope she can find it with the me I have become since that time.

What’s the point of all this? Absolutely nothing. Just had things on my mind and felt a need to get them down on the net. I walked away to talk to a coworker who seemed a bit down and got her to laugh and cheer up. I’m pretty good at that. But don’t let it get out that I’m a good guy. Got a reputation to uphold, ya dig?


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