how do we know who we are?

A simple question right? How do you know who you are? There are lots of quotes, studies, and all sorts of mumbo jumbo about the idea of a person. Some say the collection of experiences makes you who you are. Some say it’s a soul. I think we are defined by the people around us. How they react to us, think of us, and tell us who we are.

Did a rose name itself? Most certainly not. Things cannot define themselves, that’s for the observers. Someone knows you, so you interact with them. Their reactions define yours, and so on and so on. So you are defined by their perceptions. You cannot decide if you’re pretty. You can’t decide if you’re fat. You can’t decide if you’re an asshole. That’s for others to do.

One incident observed by several will not yield the same results for all. Say you are drinking one night, driving your friend’s car, and hit a pole. What are the reactions that define who you were in that moment? Your friend may show concern, but think you’re an asshole. The police consider you a criminal. The insurance company considers you wreckless and a liability. So what do you know about yourself at that moment? You’re a wreckless asshole and a criminal.

Of course it’s all about perspective, as well. Since two people don’t view the same thing the same way. The difference between spanking and child abuse is the person that calls Child Protective Services. If you are spanking the child you think nothing of it.

That being said, if the people around you define who you are what about people with no one? The basically don’t exist. To exist you have to have a presence and effect on the world. If a tree falls in the woods and noone is around, does it make a sound? If noone’s around to hear it, what does it matter, I say. Far as the person that comes along later is concerned, it’s just a dead tree. Now it has definition and a place in the world.

LA would say “I look terrible today.” I would respond, “Only I can decide that. You’re biased.” She would do the same to me eventually, and it changed my perception of myself. She was helping me decide who I am by her reaction to me.

I sometimes wonder if I’m a good father. The Ex can tell me that, and does. She helps me feel like a good dad. Course, the fact my son loves coming to see me tells me that too.

So if you find yourself wondering “Who am I?” try listening to the people that know you. You can’t decide for yourself, because you’re biased and a fool.