h1

the course is set for parts unknown

April 30, 2007

The wind is back, mateys! Raise the sails and set course for land! Batten down the hatches, swab the deck, and… um… I’m not good with nautical terms.

I do have a pressing need to find resolution, true resolution, with LA though. I want to call her so bad it hurts, but if I talk to her it hurts all the same. She is both the solution and the knife in my kidney. I truly feel damned if I do and damned I don’t in this moment of time. It’s exactly as I said a moment ago. It hurts to be apart, and together at this point, because I know as soon as I hang up that phone the longing begins anew. But I crave her so badly.

So what do I do? Force something, I suppose. That hasn’t played well for me in the past with her. I pushed too hard and eventually I knocked her down. If I do this time, what next? Nothing. That’s kind of the point, I guess. Give me something or leave.

So I call and tell her how much it hurts to not talk to her regularly, how much I miss her, how much I love her, and how much I need her. And then she can choose. Is it too much to be loved? Is the fact she can’t believe in it stronger than the fact I do? What will happen to me after that, no matter the outcome? I’m going to wait though. It’s easier to wonder than it is to know. It’s also easier to not be the person she needs, wants, and believes I can be. The one everyone seems to believe I can be except myself.

Confidence is taken for granted by those who have it. A thing to be envied by those who don’t. Guess which side I’m on.

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