being comfortable

March 20, 2007

I am a very uncomfortable, perhaps even socially inept, person around pretty much everyone. My eyes roam to avoid eye contact for too long. This is with almost everyone. Even my ex, these days, does not get to see my eyes. That’s the biggest sign someone is scared, timid, ot just uncomfortable.

The one person I can look in the eyes all the time is my son. The one person I know is not judging me is him. He doesn’t care that my smile isn’t perfect, my hair is a mess, I can’t dance, or that I’m not where most adults would expect to be at in my life. He doesn’t care about anything except that I’m his daddy, and I’m there with him.

The only person I’m completely comfortable around is him. That’s a little sad though, I think. I used to be completely comfortable around the ex, but for obvious reasons I no longer am. She can be so critical of me, and while she always has been it’s worse now, at least on my end. I think it’s no worse now on her part, though, so don’t be hatin’.

There’s a chick at the dance classes, we shall call her MA, who is a very nice person. She’s been there both weeks, and we’ve talked a bit before and after the classes. Enough to know perhaps more general information than the normal stranger, I think. I know where she works now, where she used to work, and her schedule. I know she doesn’t have a dance partner either, so she also loses the lesson before the next week arrives. I’m thinking of making an invitation for MA to practice with me, but being the uncomfortable person I am I haven’t yet.

I was thinking of asking her Friday. I wonder if I should invite her to my new apartment, where there will be plenty of room since I won’t be moved in yet, or somewhere public. There are issues with both. Inviting someone to your home this early in even a friendly relationship looks bad, I think. I won’t lie, my intentions aren’t just for dancing but I won’t drug her drink either. But if we are at a public place it adds to being uncomfortable and public embarassment.

It’s times like this I wonder, what would Walin do? (In case you aren’t keeping track, Walin is the side of me that is everything I wish I was. While a part of me, he’s more like who I am before the filters of shyness and self doubt are placed.)


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