March 7, 2007

I heard a story in the news recently that nationally the amount of people that visit confession in church is dropping drastically. This made me think about apologies, because it seems that that’s what confessions are. You’re apologizing to god and yourself for your sinful actions, and repenting in some way to atone for said sins. So I thought I should maybe apologize for some things.

To people I cut off in traffic sometimes, I’m sorry. I hate pulling out from a side road. It’s not intentional, I just kind of freak out a little, especially when my son’s in the car. So I speed out and hope for the best.

To my creditors, I’m sorry I don’t pay on time. I try, I really do, but sometimes I can’t. Then you call and I don’t pick up the phone. I don’t even listen to the messages.

To my son, I’m sorry I’m not always the best dad. Sometimes I have a bad day and will get on you about something little, but it’s not you I’m upset with. Also, sometimes I just don’t want to go outside so I tell you the weather’s too cold. It’s not that I don’t want to play, but daddy’s tired. I’m doing the best I can, but I think I’m getting better at it.

To my ex, I’m sorry for the last two years. I haven’t been as good a person as I could have been. I have been mean sometimes, and you don’t deserve that. I’m working on that too.

To my dad, I’m sorry for not being as miserable as you are, but I’m trying to actually be something more than you think is possible. Dick.

To my personal ghost that follows me wherever I move, I’m sorry you don’t scare me anymore. I’m used to your crap by now. Flushing toilets, footsteps, opening and shutting doors, and flickering lights are really just damned annoying. Would you knock that shit out?

To my car. You are overdue for an oil change. I’ll get on that ASAP.

To the library. Yeah, I turned those books in really really late, but no worries, cause until I pay the fees I can’t get anymore out. And I’m sorry in advance, since I won’t be paying those fees ever.

To the girl that lives next door and works at Target, I’m sorry for taking so much of your time when shopping for clothes. If I’d known you had a boyfriend I wouldn’t have even tried.

To Hawk at Applegeeks, I’m sorry you took my comment the wrong way. I was only trying to say that I look forward to the updates. Then you went off on me, and I feel bad because that wasn’t the message I was trying to convey. Hopefully I will see you guys at MTAC, and I hope I can bring some sort of peace offering to make amends. Hawk wasn’t being angry after all. It was just my brain giving the words a voice. It was very scary.

To my body, I’m sorry I don’t take care of you as well as I should. I smoke, drink, don’t exercise enough, abuse you with yoga several days a week, don’t get enough sleep, have dry skin, and masturbate too much. I’m hoping to get that stuff worked out soon, and hope we can still be friends.

To LA, I’m sorry we didn’t work out. A lot of that was you, though. If it helps I had a wonderful time anyways, and don’t hate you for breaking my heart. It was my fault for trying for too much too soon.

To Sasquatch, I’m sorry I call you a bitch so much, but when you get bitch drinks at Starbucks and drink bitch drinks with alcohol, not to mention have long hair, what else am I going to call you?

To my job… fuck you. You owe me an apology dammit! Almost five years and I can’t move to first shift? You stiffed me out of a week of vacation last year? You never say thank you? Yeah, gof uck yourself. And don’t mess up my paycheck ever again.



  1. This is the best article I have ever read. It was sweet, yet sassy and funny. I think masturbating and yoga are probably good for you, so don’t apologize for that!

    I forgive you and hope you can forgive me as well. “Son” loves you very much and missed you terribly today. He can’t wait to see you and I guarantee that whether or not you take him outside, he’s still your #1 fan!

  2. All thos views are just you coming back constantly to check for a new post, isn’t it?

    I’m our son’s biggest fan too. He’s awesome wrapped in cuteness. Course, I might be biased.

    And I apologize for the masturbation because I need more vagina and less my own hands. 😛

  3. I think you have a viewing audience, I just don’t know who they are and why they don’t comment too.

    Don’t say vagina…that word grosses me out for some reason. Say “front butt” or something. 🙂

  4. Vagina vagina vagina… penis.

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