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Feeling and movement…

January 13, 2007

I am in love. Well, I love somebody. I have the inane knack of screwing things up, though. I don’t do soemthing, I’m in the wron. I do something that feels to be right, and I abandon. I feel, and it becomes too much. Jealousy. Desire. Need. I am only human, feeling human things.

I spent a lot of my earlier life just being numb. It was the only way I knew how to deal with things. It was a blessing and a curse. My first real girlfriend wanted me to feel. Most of my days were spent in the middle. Not too happy, not too sad, just in the middle. I know now that was a sign of mild depression, but back then it was all I knew. Eventually I truly began to feel, but my emotional side was stunted by then. Most of the feelings were sadness and anger, with a bit of happiness mixed in periodically. I went from being numb to feeling everything with such intensity that it led toanger. My lows dragged me down, and I hadn’t the ability to just say “Such is life”. I didn’t let things go, and still have a hard timedoing that.

Jealousy was never a problem for me. When I loved it was without questions or doubts. That line of thinking was wrong as the day is long when you’re at work, bored, and just want to get back home. I later discoveredthat was wrong too. A little bit of jealousy can go a long way in a relationship. It was a lesson hard learned when my ex broke up with me after 8 years. I had grown complacent, and that was the beginning of the end there.

The next year was hell. But I learned just how strong I am. Now, almost two years later, I find myself in love a woman that is halfway across the country. She too was in a long relationship that ended, and her issues mixed with mine is not a good thing. Her need to feel free, to be who she is and do what she wants battled my new jealousness. It led to ruin, or at least a state of change where I’m a friend, but more, yet not more at the same time. I almost feel like I’m fallback guy sometimes.

A few weeks after a big argument and falling out and she’s away for the weekend. She calls, and the small talk commences. I finally ask her where she is. She doesn’t want to say. She doesn’t want to hurt me, but at the same time she doesn’t care, I think. Like, I will do what I want and I won’t tell you, and it better be good enough.

I have a pretty good idea where she is though. I also have a good idea who she’s with. The thing she doesn’t realize is it honestly does more harm than good to not tell me. My mind wanders, and it goes places I don’t want to be, giving me ideas that are possibly wrong. But I can’t shake the feelings.

So yeah, I’m in love with someone halfway across the country who wants to be free and date, despite caring for me too. It’s a lengthy tightrope, and eventually I guess there’s a few options. Cross the whole way and hope for the best. Fall and hope there’s a net. Or turn around and hope for the best.

Life can really kick you in the balls sometimes.

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2 comments

  1. Want to know what I think? No? Great, here it is! This woman sounds like a major selfish, inconsiderate bitch! Sounds to me like you are probably one of the only men who really find her “beautiful”. Think about this, my friend. Why would you love someone who calls you to tell you she is somewhere that would hurt you if you knew and cannot tell you where that is? That conversation should have ceased and another one should have never happened after that. Come on man! Let me guess…she also tells you that you are the only man she is sleeping with, right? Yep, I knew it! She is probably skanky, dirty, a mental-mess, and craves attention from anywhere she can get it. These women are TROUBLE! I hope you are reading this…you seem like a really decent dude who deserves someone who will love you like you seem to love them. This bitch loves herself. Probably a good thing…nobody can ever truly love a skanky bitch!


  2. She does have her moments of insensitivity, yes. The truth is, I knew where she was. I have the right amount of insecurity to put things together in such situations. I really wanted her to say it. Trust me, she would be thought of as at least good looking by almost everyone.

    She put everything up front, from the beginning. The fault was mine for maybe expecting more, honestly. Because of those expectations I was hurt. Did she have a hand in that by not being completely honest 100% of the time? Yes. But I blinded myself to much of the truth as well.

    She is a mental mess though. We all are to an extent. Even I am. I’m sure there’s a lot of stuff I have yet to voice here, but I’m not even sure what all my issues are. lol

    You’re right, she does like the attention, but we all do. Some more than others. Can’t rightly fault her much for that.

    What I’m doing now is enjoying the fond memories of things we did together and places we went, and leaving them as memories as much as I can. I’m pretty okay now. I think I wrote all of that to kind of get my story out there, so it’s easier to see where I’m coming from recently.

    Thanks for reading and the comments! Hope you come back sometime.



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