Blogaversary 2

Okay, I missed it this year, but it has come and gone. This blog is now two years old. The second year, I think , was better than the first. Much less depressing at the very least. It went to show that no news is good news, and good news doesn’t make for many blog posts. All two of you out there that read this may have found that disappointing, but if you’ve been reading maybe you were rooting for some good news for me, so be glad it was there. Unless you weren’t. Fuck you if that’s the case.

In the time between my last post and this one, I decided to start a new project. I haven’t been playing WoW, so I have plenty of idle time.  I am getting together with a guy that does 3d modelling, and attempting to delve into the land of lite-C programming. I want to make a game. A simple one. Like Devil May Cry, with loads of mobs, tons of button mashing, but none of the style and polish. A good starting game, I think. So far, I have used tutorials to try and make a Marble Madness clone. Slowly getting the idea, but coding was never easy for me to pick up on. Not even HTML. Either way, I can’t wait to actually make something to show here.

That’s all for now. I work in about 45 minutes. Have a nice day.

Big Empty – Stone Temple Pilots

wow

I haven’t been posting hardly ever these days. Been almost a month since the last. Sorry, for those who actually enjoy this thing.

So, what’s new? Not much with me, still. March is coming, and the apartment hunt will hopefully begin soon. Waiting on another W-2 so I can file my taxes and hopefully receive enough cash to get one. Then the work issue needs to be addressed. Only real issue is not enough hours. I’m lucky to get 24 these days.

But before that happens, I will have a birthday. I will be 29 on said day. I will no longer be able to stretch the truth a little and say I’m in my mid 20s. I will have to say I’m almost 30. Another year of life down and another step closer to the last one. Yeah, it’s depressing talk, but it explains the massive influx of panic attacks recently. It doesn’t help a coworker died last week. Ros was a kind old lady and will be missed.

It freaked me out for about three hours really badly. I barely talked most of the day, and had to take an early break to just cry. I had worked with Rosalyn for over a year. The best story I have about her shows her kindness to a guy that regularly threatened to push her down and break her hip, cause she kept walking behind me and almost making us both fall. She knew I didn’t mean it and would just laugh. That was Ros. One Thursday I went to get my paycheck, and this was after I lost my car, so i waited for the bus. The weather was nice and I didn’t mind, but a car stopped and Ros was there asking if I need a ride. I wasn’t working, she didn’t even know I had come, but she saw me sitting at the side of the road and turned her car around. She drove me home, even though hers was about the same distance from work in the opposite direction. I drive her old car, when I borrow Particleboy’s car, because he bought it from her. When he met her he just came home and went on about how nice she was.

Rosalyn will be missed by me. Work wasn’t ever too bad when she was there. But it freaks me out, how she died. Ros always coughed. She had asthma and smoked for years, so no one was surprised. She seemed about as healthy as a person in their early 60s who did that could be expected to be. Wasn’t complaining of any problems. We couldn’t figure out what could possibly have killed her. It turns out it was NyQuil. She took some before bed and choked on it. Her son heard her coughing, but like I said she always did so he thought nothing of it. The wake was delayed by snow, but I want to go. I feel I need to pay my respects and maybe help overcome my own anxiety. Nothing is ever completely selfless, people. I hope if there’s a chance to talk I can stand up and tell the story about the ride home. If not, that’s okay. I will remember that for quite a while yet.

The apartment situation is because Sasquatch wants his own place. Since he never has had his own I can’t blame him for that and wish him well in it. He needs that experience, and coupled with his recent finding of a sort of fuckbuddy, it will help him get over some shit. (I say almost because they do go out on dates, but when she stayed the night once we all went to breakfast and they paid separate. I paid for Karen’s, but then again we’re not having sex so it makes no difference.)

Part 2 of the apartment is Particleboy. He’s had a rough year, which I won’t go into here. If you know him, you know about it, and nobody else needs to know. He may move up to Baltimore and try to get on his feet there. He has family there, so he’ll at least have a place to sleep. I hope. If not, he seems to want his own place, too. Again, he’s never had his own place so I can’t blame him.

Me? I’m scared shitless about all of this. I don’t have the money for an apartment on my own. I can’t get the application fee, deposit, or first month’s rent together very easily. I don’t have a checking account right now. I don’t have a decent job with stable hours. I don’t want to live in a cheaper place that may be unsafe for my son. Living alone has never bothered me. Even now, I mostly keep to myself. I play games, watch movies, and write behind a closed bedroom door. I’m going to miss living with them, though. Random roommates walking into my room and making with the funny is priceless. Also, harassing Sasquatch’s FB the morning after a romp can be quite hilarious.

On that note, I have options. I’m sure I could crash with my parents if I had to. Karen’s mom has offered for me to stay with them til I can get a place. Both are an extreme last resort, particularly the former. Mostly because I don’t accept charity easily. It’s not because people expect something in return. Of course they would, whether it be cleaning duties or helping with the rent or something in between. I hate to be a burden. I’ve also made it this far a lot on my own, and I like that fact. Despite everything, all the pitfalls, shortcomings, and terrible decision making, I have been able to keep a roof over my head. On my own. It wasn’t always easy, but I did it.

In other news, I’m learning to play the harmonica. I figure, after a couple years I’m still bad at the guitar so maybe I need to try another instrument. I’m also picking Blender back up to try and get my 3d modelling skills back up. They were never great, but I was decent at it. I also enjoy it immensely. I can sit for hours doing just tweaking the points on a box. Which sounds dirty now that I’ve typed it.

I still fancy myself an artist of sorts, and am convinced I just haven’t found my medium, yet. Karen, on the other hand, is now an award winning artist. She welded a sculpture of a hand and won a local competition. If it wins the next round in NYC, it gets put in a museum in Washington DC. It currently resides in the Kentucky Center for the Arts, I believe, here in Louisville. That’s pretty damned cool. Art may be personal and done for no other reason than your own satisfaction, but it’s nice to get recognized once in a while.

And that’s where everything sits at the moment. Nothing exciting in either a great or terrible way. Kind of nice, but hopefully the panic attacks subside after my birthday. Also, I need a haircut badly and this post was over 1200 words. Wish I could write like this all the time.

alive with the glory of love – say anything cover on ukelele

This chick does good covers on the ukelele. Check them out.

long december, new year high

That’s how it felt, anyways. With the holidays, and school vacations for my son and girlfriend, small paychecks, and extra days off it seemed to last forever. Now, almost a month has gone by without a new post from me. Because I have nothing to write about hat’s bad, and let’s face facts: It’s easier to write pain than happiness. Pain is easy to describe in ways seemingly new and original. A knife to the eye, kick to the balls, stabbing, cutting, and bleeding are all ideas we can grasp on to. A cut feels the same to everyone. But happiness? Not so easy for me, anyways. Everyone feels happy differently. But I can attempt it.

Love left, and that made me depressed again, but that didn’t last long. With each subsequent leaving of me by women, I’ve gotten more used to it. Hell I broke up with one of them last year. Well, we agreed it wasn’t working, but close enough. Now, a year later and about three months into a new relationship, I am feeling happy once more. Things are glowy. Like, normally, things are pretty gray to me. Imagine life like a big gray mass of blobs. Some are darker, tending to be nearer black, and some closer to white, but the spectrum is relatively small. Some things and people are like splashes of red and yellow and blue (also dark sometimes, but this is more like a light blue. Perhaps baby blue).

The thing is, when those colors show up, they bleed into each other, making new colors. So the grays and whites become slightly more upbeat colors, like canary yellow or navy blue. Still muted and not in focus, but a little more appealing to the eyes.

So, things are prety good, and that meabns not a lot of opinions an not a lot of things to write about.

In more fact based news: Me and Karen have not had sex, but that’s fine by me. I enjoy just being with her and feeling her warmth next to mine. My son is now 6 years old. I’m almost 29. I still work in the Kroger deli. Most things haven’t changed much. I weighed myself and was not happy about it, but it’s not too bad so I’m not worried. Could lose a few pounds, but who couldn’t? I still suck at the guitar.

Hope things are well with you all.

Big Wheel – Tori Amos

Not a big Tori Amos fan, but this song was given to me by a friend one day, and I like it. Couldn’t exactly say why.
Big Wheel – Tori Amos

another year almost done

Another year has almost gone by. Aonther year of life, love, pain, and recovery. Just like the last. And likely like the next. Then again, maybe not. As with every year, I hope for a better one next year.

Shall we recap the past year? Why not. It started lwith an amazingly drunk night on New Year’s Eve, I started dating a chick at who had no spark so we broke up, I reconciled with LA quite nicely, I was in love with a girl named Love, I was hurt by Love twice, I got better at moving on, I lost one of my jobs, I started dating a barely legal virgin, and now my son is six years old.

I think that’s most of the major stuff. Overall, not a bad year by comparison. Next year will be better.

Duality – Slipknot

silence breaks on the shores of nothing new

There really isn’t anything new right now. I’m continuing to date a barely legal virgin, I still work at a job I hate, and things are cruising on WoW. The only thing is, I was crushed the other day by Love. I sent a mass text to let people know my phone was finally back on and she returned one that said “Who is this?”.

I never forget people that were important to me, really important to me. I loved this woman, and while I’m known to fall fast and land hard on my face it doesn’t change that I felt that for her. And she said she felt it, too. I responded with “Someone who doesn’t matter in the end” which was parried by “If it wasn’t important, I wouldn’t have asked”. My killing blow, I feel, was “If it was that important, you wouldn’t have had to.”

It hurt bad. For about five minutes. I’m fine now, just a bit irritated. And she may read this, and realisation will dawn and who knows what then, but I think I’m just done. That made me feel downright terrible for a few moments. It’s not fun to find out you’re forgettable.

After that, LA called to check on me, though. Maybe I’m not that forgettable after all. I explained to the GF about the important women in my life, The Ex and LA mostly, and how it’s no threat to a relationship at all. Just people I care about a lot, and will answer the phone at 3AM for. She says it’s fine, but somehow I doubt it is completely. I’d rather get it out in the open than feel the need to hide it.

And now I know Love is not one of those people. Such is life.

Dancing Days – Stone Temple Pilots